Surviving the Terror

Leaving home at 18 was a difficult decision, but one that I knew was necessary for my well-being. I had always felt out of place in California, but when I arrived in Mississippi, I finally found a sense of belonging. Meeting Rene and her family was a turning point in my life, as they welcomed me with open arms and gave me the support and love I had been searching for. The Healing Hearts group became like a second family to me, and I finally felt like I could be myself without judgment or criticism. I will forever be grateful for the kindness and generosity shown to me by Rene and her family, as they helped me start fresh and begin a new chapter in my life.
My heart sank as Rene told me we had to leave her family's home. The warmth and acceptance I had found with them were now replaced with rejection and uncertainty. I scrambled to gather our belongings, feeling overwhelmed by the sudden change in our situation. As we made our way to the bus station, I couldn't help but wonder what had gone wrong. I knew my instability had been a challenge, but I never imagined it would lead to us being kicked out. The feeling of betrayal and abandonment weighed heavy on my shoulders as we boarded the bus, leaving behind the brief glimpse of belonging I had once felt.

I had survived abuse all of my life, and I longed for a new start. As a result of the trauma, I had a condition called Dissociative Identity Disorder, which, in short, I had more than one personality living within me. So, who is writing this story, you ask? My name is Celeste, and I am one of the people within Kelly, the birth personality. I am not going to go into details about what DID entails because many websites can explain it to you better than I can. What I want to tell you about is the life I had prior to the rape that damaged me to my core being. After giving the basics, I will tell my story that I remember like it happened yesterday.
My parents offered to let me come home temporarily, but we knew that two weeks was the max we could stay. We were desperate to find another place to go with no other options. Then, one Sunday, we noticed an ad on the church bulletin looking for a roommate. It felt like fate had intervened and provided us with an answer to our prayers. We quickly reached out to the person who posted the ad and were relieved to find they were willing to take us in. It was a huge weight off our shoulders knowing that we had found a temporary solution to our housing dilemma. We chose to keep our mental health struggles private and continue living like ordinary roommates.
Ken and his girlfriend welcomed us into their home with open arms despite not knowing anything about me. They showed me nothing but kindness and understanding, and I felt grateful for their hospitality. As I settled into my new living situation, I began to feel a sense of stability and acceptance that I hadn’t experienced before. Ken and his girlfriend became like a second family to me, and I was thankful to have found such a supportive and caring environment. Despite the challenges I faced in my past living situation, I knew I was now in a place where I could truly be myself and feel at peace. I strive to remain authentic and transparent in all my interactions while respectfully considering the impact of my words on others, words that might betray this newfound safety net.
The day that changed my life forever began like any other. I was enjoying a night out with friends when everything suddenly turned dark. While walking home, a group of men attacked me and gang-raped me. The trauma and pain from that experience haunt me every day, leaving me feeling broken and lost. I never imagined that such a horrific act could happen to me. The physical and emotional scars from that day will always be a part of me, a constant reminder of the brutality and injustice that exists in this world. Despite the pain and suffering, I am determined to heal and find a way to move forward, seeking support to reclaim my life.
As I walked down the street late at night, my tired feet led me to a park I stumbled upon. The dimly lit paths and the peaceful ambiance of the park called out to me, inviting me to take a moment to rest and gather my thoughts. I found a bench under a tall oak tree and sat down, closing my eyes to soak in the tranquility of the night. The cool breeze gently rustled the leaves above me, creating a calming melody that filled the air. In that moment of solitude, I felt a sense of peace wash over me, grateful for the unexpected calm in the midst of my late-night journey back home. Little did I know that danger awaited me. The moon was dim, and everything seemed peaceful and serene. I felt a shiver run down my spine and didn’t know why. I could sense that something wasn’t right. Suddenly, a group of men emerged from the shadows, their menacing looks sending a chill of fear through my body. At that moment, I realized that my peaceful run had taken a dangerous turn, and I would need to leave the park and head home.
As I tried to walk away, one of the guys approached me, his friends following closely behind. “Hey, where are you going?” he asked. My heart raced with nervousness, but I tried to keep my cool. I could sense their intent was not entirely friendly, and I felt a knot of fear tightening in my stomach. I scrambled for a response, trying to think of the right words to diffuse the tense situation. The words tumbled out of my mouth as I stuttered, “I, uh, I was just heading home.” Their piercing stares bore into me, and I felt a surge of panic within me. 
Feeling a surge of fear, I knew I had to think fast if I wanted to escape. I tried to maneuver around the group of guys, but just as I thought I might slip away, the one who had initially spoken to me blocked my path. His eyes bore into mine, making my heart race with unease. I could sense danger looming, and I knew I had to act quickly to find a way out of this unsettling situation. Despite my polite request to leave, the guy ignored me and forcefully grabbed my wrist to prevent me from leaving. “No, we want you to stay and talk to us,” he said slyly, with a mischievous glint in his eye. My mind went blank, and dread consumed me as I faced overwhelming uncertainty. I tried to break free of his grip, but he only held on tighter, his strength overpowering my attempts to escape.
The sudden force of the push caused me to stumble and fall onto the ground, the impact knocking the wind out of me. As I struggled to catch my breath, I felt a cold, hard object press against the back of my head. Looking up, I saw one of the men holding a gun, his eyes cold and threatening. The words he spoke sent a chill down my spine, and I knew at that moment that my life was in grave danger. Fear and panic washed over me as I realized the dire situation I was in, my only option being to comply and hope for a miracle. “Grab her arms!” the man said, and the three of his friends held on tight to my arms above my head. As he proceeded to unzip my pants and pull them down, along with my underwear, he crawled on top of me. He unzipped his pants and proceeded to rape me violently. My desire to scream was stifled by the gun being pressed tighter against my head.
I was devastated and in shock, as the first guy finished and the next one climbed on top of me. The horror and helplessness I felt as he violated me is something I will never forget. I wanted to scream and fight back, but he was too strong, and I was overpowered. The pain and fear consumed me as he continued his despicable act. I felt completely degraded and violated, wondering how this could be happening to me. The trauma of that moment will forever haunt me, and I could only hope for justice and healing in the aftermath of this brutal assault. As each of them took their turn climbing on top of me, fear gripped me as I realized how vulnerable and powerless I was in that moment. My only escape was to do the same thing I did my entire life and escape into the recess of my mind.
When the nightmare was over, one of the guys laughed and thanked me for a good time. It was a strange moment of relief after the terrifying experience we had. I waited until they left before finally mustering up the courage to go home. As soon as I got inside, I ran straight to my room and collapsed on my bed, needing to process everything that had just happened. Ken knocked on my door and asked me what was wrong, but I couldn’t answer as I was so far inside my mind that nothing else seemed important. He knocked again, and I quickly said I was okay, too ashamed to tell him the truth of what had happened. I needed the noise of the shower to drown out the sound of my heavy sobs as I tried to process what had happened, sitting inside the tub with my clothes still on. Ken’s face was worried when he saw me emerge from the bathroom in drenched clothes.
My heart was pounding as I ran through the dark streets, tears streaming down my cheeks. The fear and confusion swirling inside me were overwhelming, making it hard to think clearly. I couldn’t bear the thought of going through the painful and invasive process of a rape kit, and the idea of reliving what had happened made me panic. All I could focus on was getting as far away from that hospital as possible, even if it meant facing the unknown dangers of the night alone. The sound of my own frantic footsteps echoed in my ears as I raced toward the safety of my own home, praying to escape the nightmare that had become my reality.
The rest of the story is hazy, but all I know is that I told Ken I couldn’t live there anymore, and four days later, I was headed to southern California to move in with my cousin. I pushed the memory back into my mind, pretending it never happened. I resumed my life as though I was fine, smiling and carrying on with my daily routine. But deep down, I knew that leaving Ken’s house and starting over in a new place was the best decision I could make. As I settled into my new living environment with my cousin and her three kids, I decided never to discuss it again. It has taken me two decades, but now I am prepared to open up and share my experience of being violated most horrifically. I pray that telling this story will help someone who has experienced this too and give them the courage to speak out, knowing they are not alone.

Celeste