Unfortunately the topics that I like to discuss, are things that take people away from the truth. I like talking about happy things, things that are good. I like to talk about my faith in God, when the truth is that I don’t even have faith in myself, let alone God.

I like to talk about things that make people laugh because that’s what I want for myself as well. But I find that my life is nothing to laugh at. It’s filled with pain and confusion and memories that haunt me. Nightmares plague me every night, but very few people even know. They see me as strong, stable and secure, when I am everything but those things.

I try to be perfect in every way. To be a good daughter, friend, caretaker, and I strive to have the perfect body. I was taught growing up that appearance is important. That weakness is rejected, and failures are not allowed. So I am striving for perfection, even if it kills me.

So I talk about things the brighten the mood of others. I talk about hope, knowing that I don’t have any. I hope someday I will be bold enough to be honest and real. To not have to put on a thousand masks. If that’s one thing I could ask God for, I would.

Kelly