The most courageous risk, is not yet an accomplished risk. I am writing a memoir about being gay and coming from a conservative Christian background and how I am in the process of coming to terms with that. I hope to have my book published when it is finished, and that will be the biggest risk I will ever take; coming out as a lesbian. In some ways I am doing that right now by publishing this to my blog for whoever wants to read it. Not long after my Dad died 10 months ago, I told my mom the truth about my being gay. She seemed unsure what to think about it, but said she has always known and loves me anyway. But that’s not exactly true because not more than a year before my Dad died, she asked me, “You aren’t gay are you?” I denied it then, seeing her look of relief. I have had two long relationships with women that my parents were not really apart of my life in those times, failing to show me their “unconditional love” even though my Mom has always said she loves me. My Dad rarely said the word, “I love you,” but instead showed it in very twisted ways.

I’m on a healing journey in writing this memoir because there are still a lot of fears and insecurities, not only about what God thinks, but about what the world will think after I finish this book. I have 75 pages written so far, and a lot more to tell. In a way, it’s telling my story from childhood and discovering that I was gay. It’s also a book about my mental health issues. I hope my coming out to the world will be a good thing, although I am using a fake name to publish it, which what that is called at the moment, I can’t remember. But my author’s name is Riven Wolf. I have another blog that is under that name. hazeleyes.blog. I write things on that blog that I don’t mind family reading. This blog my family doesn’t know about. That way I can be completely honest and real. But I know that in just writing my story, even if it is under a fake name, is a step to coming out because everyone who knows me for real will know that I wrote it. My Dad always said he couldn’t possibly understand why anyone would want to be gay, as if it is a choice. I personally don’t want to be gay because a lot of people hate and judge people like me. Why would I choose this life?

So writing this blog, and writing my memoir is the biggest risk I am ever taking. I am not sure how it will turn out yet. I have yet to find out.

Morgan