As most of my subscribers know, I am writing my thoughts on the affirmations in the book “One the Path: Affirmations for Adults Recovering from Childhood Sexual Abuse” and this week’s thoughts have been on the second affirmation, “I am worthful.”

Another thought I struggle with, to believe this affirmation, is not only getting beyond the label “the problem,” of the family, but also for what I grew up believing about my identity, or sexual orientation.

I was a teenager in the early and mid ’90s, when different sexual orientations were just beginning to be accepted in the world, but not where I was living. Along with all of my other emotional insecurities, like being labeled the “problem” in my family, I was also gay, and being taught from my family and church, that it was a sin or perversion. I never did come out as gay until later in life, but I knew what I was raised to believe, and that caused immense shame, guilt, and self-hatred.

Some people might believe that because I was sexually abused, that made me gay, and that I just need to heal. That is NOT, and I repeat, not why I “became” gay. I didn’t become gay; I was born gay. But I am not going to go into that debate. That can be saved for another time, another day. What it does apply to with this affirmation is that I have struggled most my life with believing I am worthful because of it.

I have struggled with shame, and the feeling that I am disgusting, most of my life. I have felt that being gay makes me less than, makes me not human, makes me worthless. I still struggle with these feelings, and I am talking about them in the memoir that I am writing. Writing my story is my healing journey. I am not completely there yet, but I am trying, along with everything else I have grown up believing, to challenge those thoughts and beliefs.

I am at a very emotionally trying point in writing this story, and it’s just the first chapter. I am having knots in my stomach even in talking about it. So, this affirmation is a struggle for me on many different levels. I am trying to work through these thoughts and feelings, but it isn’t easy. Thank God, I have an excellent therapist that is helping me through this.

My past, even in my adult years, has always been complicated. I am seeking healing in all these areas in my life. One day, I will get there, and I hope it doesn’t take the rest of my life to get there. I am 45 years old, and these insecurities have taken up too much of my life. I don’t want it to take up much more.

Anyway, those are my continued thoughts about this affirmation. I struggle to feel worthful on many different levels.

Kelly