This isn’t a poem or short story or anything like that. This is just my “thinking out loud” words. I feel so mixed up sometimes. Well, most of the time actually. What I believe about life, God, my identity, my past, and a lot of mixed up beliefs. Therapy is about challenging those thoughts because thoughts are where our feelings come from, but that is so hard to do sometimes.

I feel like my beliefs are hardwired into my head. I hear the voice of my dad or my mom or the church or the bullies we grew up with in my head constantly, telling me I don’t matter, or there is something wrong with me. That I am not normal. My thoughts and emotions are all over the place tonight. Facing things I don’t want to face, but need to in order to heal.

I watched a movie called “The Truth about Jane” again today, and I can completely relate to that story. Being gay has always been something I have been ashamed about. Not only that, but I also struggle with mental illness that my dad especially shamed me for. But I am trying to heal that shame, but healing takes hard work. I have made a lot of progress in my life, but I still have a long way to go to finally be free from the baggage I carry. Sometimes I get tired of it and want to give up, but I know I have to push through and keep moving forward.

Anyway, those are just my thoughts. I hope some of you can relate.