What bothers you and why?

This is an easy one to answer because it is the very thing I am trying to work out in my head. I know now days the world is starting to get more and more accepting, but there still is hate. A man got killed sometime last year for being gay. That was in phoenix. But what I am trying to work out emotionally, and even writing a memoir about it, is that as a Christian, I am constantly fighting myself if I can be a Christian, and gay at the same time. Whether God accepts me for who I am, or expects me to change. However long it takes to write my memoir depends on however long it takes to reconcile my faith with my Spiritual beliefs.

I am in therapy right now and she is encouraging me to challenge my beliefs about God and homosexuality. She, too, is a Christian, but fully accepts the LGBTQ community.

I have recently done a lot of reading and research on the topic. I have found the Trevor project to be especially helpful, and the author of the book “God and the Gay Christian.”

Last year a friend cut off our friendship because I was gay, and it went against her beliefs about homosexuality. That really hurt, and brought up all my insecurities about the topic. I have lived with this insecurity since I was a teenager in the ‘90s, and she brought up all the baggage I have been living with.

I especially struggle with it because of the trauma I have gone through in my life that has caused me to have Dissociative Identity Disorder. All the girls within me see themselves as lesbian, like me. All the boys see themselves as straight because they also are attracted to girls, which makes this body 100 percent gay because I am female.

I constantly ask myself, can the trauma have caused this, but I don’t think so. It’s just a feeling and knowledge I have had since I was about 9 years old. It’s a feeling of I just “know.” Still, I struggle with my sexuality, faith, and trauma constantly. I have started really studying the Bible, and like I said, been doing a lot of research.

When I saw today’s prompt, I knew that was one that I could answer. I am on a healing journey, and when I finish this memoir, I hope to share that journey with the world.

Riven Wolf (my pseudonym)