Today’s affirmation that a read from the book, “On the Path: Affirmations for Adults Recovering from Childhood Sexual Abuse,” really touched on an area that I have a hard time with. I want to share with you my thoughts on, “I can have fun,” and I hope some of you may relate to it.

I was always a serious child. I always had to be quiet and controlled in my home otherwise my parents would get upset, so they often sent me outside if I was going to be noisy, and noisy to my parents was like anything over a whisper it seemed like. Maybe not exactly, but it is what I felt like.

Even outside though, I didn’t play much. I mostly just sat and watched the other kids play. At least of the things I remember of my childhood, which isn’t much. I just knew that I never felt like it was safe to play. I was terrified of getting in trouble. I was so insecure when I was little, from what I can remember.

I don’t have to look deep within to my inner child because I have something called dissociative identity disorder, which means my psyche split into separate parts that helped me cope with my trauma. So, I literally have child parts within me, but I often neglect to let them come out and play. I even have toys, and dolls, and art supplies, but they sit on the shelves and the drawers undisturbed.

Why is that? Why do I even bother getting those things for them when I am not even going to let them play? I think, I kind of developed my parents’ mentality and demand of myself quiet and controlled. They sometimes say what you learn from your parents becomes who you are as far as the cycle of abuse.

But as I read the statement that follow this affirmation “Today, in recovery, I look for opportunities to allow myself unbridled play, full of feeling and spontaneity. I look for people who can support my need to play and who like to play,” I asked myself, “Can I do this? Can I give my child parts time to play freely?” It will be taking me out of my comfort zone, that’s for sure. I don’t think I will like it at first. But am I willing to do it, even though it will be hard?

Yes, I think so. Often true healing takes hard work that isn’t easy. It requires me to challenge the very things that I was raised believing. So, although it will be hard to do, I will make the choice to give my child parts time to do whatever they want to do. I might only give them a short time at first, but I think the more I do it, the easier it will become.

Anyway, I hope this affirmation and my thoughts about it resonated with you. Even if you don’t have DID, you still have an inner child who you may or may not be acknowledging. You may have needed this reminder of, “I can have fun.”