I haven’t done this in a while and I am going to try to do this regularly again, but I was posting my thoughts on the 52 affirmations found in the book, “On the Path: Affirmations for Adults Recovering from Childhood Sexual Abuse,” by Nancy W. and I feel it is important to keep doing that. This week’s affirmation is, “I respect the pace of my own process.”  This affirmation resonated with me on many levels. I am not just healing or recovering from one specific trauma or hurt. I am on the journey to healing from a few different things, so this post will be focused on healing in general, not just from one specific trauma.

What Does it Mean to Me?

Well, respecting my own pace means that I don’t compare myself to any else’s journey. That I allow my healing to come when it comes, no sooner, no later. I am gentle with myself on my own journey, and I don’t let anyone say that I should, “get over it,” or “move on,” before I am ready. If I try to rush my healing, it will only backfire on me because I wasn’t ready for it.

 Healing is like a garden, where growth happens in seasons, not overnight. When I heal, I want my healing to last, not just be a temporary fix. I have used too many temporary fixes only to find myself right back where I started, and it becomes an endless cycle. True healing is when I have worked out everything that needs to be worked out so that I can truly move on to the next chapter of my life.

Society and Internal Expectations

Society sometimes has expectations for survivors to “get over it” because of their lack of understanding of the process of healing. Sometimes even other survivors who are not trying to deal with their own trauma can put those pressures on themselves and others. It has a significant impact on our healing if those pressures come within us.

 I often find myself saying, “I should be over with it,” or “It wasn’t that bad, so why can’t I get over it?” I can be my own worst enemy at times. Us survivors need to be gentle with ourselves, rejoicing in the small victories. My own journey is a tapestry, woven with unique threads of experience, requiring patience and gentle care.

Emotional Impact on Expectations

I know in my life, the only thing that came from listening to the expectations of others and myself has been having anxiety, panic attacks, and depression, often with suicidal ideation or attempts. Those things were because I was expecting myself to “be fixed.”  I knew deep down I had more work to do to heal, but I was unwilling to be kind to myself and allow the process to happen naturally.

 Maybe some of you can relate. I also would beat myself up for not “getting over it” as fast as someone else. We survivors are all different people with different personalities, coping skills, and feelings. We are not equal. We may share similar experiences, but we still are not the same.

Comparing Each Other’s Stories

No two stories are the same, nor is each survivor the same. My therapist always tells me that pain is pain. It can’t be measured. She hates it when doctors or nurses ask what her pain level is because what one person feels is bad, might not be for another. We are all different people with different tolerances.

 A doctor or nurse can’t decide what is enough pain to warrant a pain medication, because they don’t know the patient. They can’t feel the way something feels to their patient. In my life, my dad always said I didn’t know the meaning of pain compared to other people. He completely invalidated my experience.

Many doubts and insecurities arise in survivors who feel like they are not healing or getting better as fast as someone else is. I know for myself, I feel pressured to justify why it is taking me longer than someone else, especially if that someone’s story seems “worse” than mine. My encouragement to you if you are a survivor, just like I to constantly tell myself, is to be gentle with yourself.

Embrace Your Pace

Celebrate the small victories and be gentle with setbacks. Some things I do to stay focused on my own journey is I journal every day, to meditations every day, pray regularly, talk to people I can trust, take bubble baths, and spend time with my animals. I also write. Writing has been very therapeutic for me, as well as soothing music. I encourage you to ask yourself, “What can I do to be gentle with myself?” or “What would I recommend a close friend of mine to do, and am I willing to take my own advice?”

A quote I really like is from Christopher Germen. It says, “Self-compassion is simply giving yourself the same kindness and care that you’d give to a good friend.”