Abandoned without Warning

Kelly had been on the phone with her best friend, Jeanna, for hours. It was almost two in the morning, and her muscles felt weak. Her eyes were on fire. She hesitated to say she was going to try to sleep now because they were having such a deep and meaningful conversation. “Are you there, Kelly,” Jeanna asked concerned. Kelly pulled her out of her trance.

“Oh, yes. I am here. I hate to do this, but I am going to have to go to sleep. I don’t want to fall asleep on you,” Kelly replied with a yawn.

“Okay, but I have had a lovely conversation with you, and I want you to know that you are very dear to my heart and always will be,” she paused for a second, “I will talk to you tomorrow.”

Kelly could barely get out the words in exhaustion. “Goodnight, Jeanna and you are dear to my heart as well.”

“Thank you. Good night.” Kelly heard the click and fell back onto her pillow. The silky and cool sensation of it soothed her head. She didn’t even get under the covers before she fell asleep. Later that morning, she opened her eyes and glanced at the clock. It was ten in the morning. She had never slept that late. She knew all the studying last night, and then the conversation with Jeanna had utterly worn her out. It was the end of the semester, and Christmas was near, so she had been studying for her final. Despite her studying being interrupted by Jeanna’s phone call, she was confident that she would do well on the test. English had always been her strong subject, and she received A’s on all of her essays, so she knew the essay for the final would go well. Also, she was diagnosed many years ago with dissociative identity disorder, and Jeanna was too, so they understood each other. She got out of bed and opened her closet to decide what she was going to wear. She knew her new Christmas sweater would be great to wear on the last day of school; Christmas Day was six days away. She got out her bra, put it on, put the sweater on, and walked to the dresser to get her blue jeans. Kelly didn’t cook, so oatmeal was her breakfast. As she took it out of the microwave, she grabbed her cell phone and texted Jeanna to say good morning. Jeanna was on the East Coast, clear on the other side of the United States, in Florida, so she was three hours ahead of Kelly in California. She knew for sure that Jeanna would be awake at 1:30 in the afternoon. She texted, “Hey, Jeanna, What’s up? I am having breakfast and then going to walk to the bus stop.” Red letters appeared in her text that read, “Undeliverable.” She tried again, and it said the same thing. Her thoughts were swirling like a tornado, so she dialed her phone number. It didn’t even ring. She heard a message saying, “Your number cannot be dialed,” and her heart shot up to her throat, and Kelly held her breath. She called again just in case she misdialed it and heard the same response. Kelly bolted from the kitchen table, leaving the oatmeal to get cold, and went to her room, getting on the computer. She couldn’t type out her email fast enough. It said, “Are you okay? Your phone number is not working. What is going on?” her heart racing as she hit send. Right when she was about to get up and finish her breakfast, an incoming email came through saying, “failed to deliver. Unknown address.” Kelly felt like she was going to throw up. She was pacing her house quickly, not knowing what to do. “I must get to the bus stop. I can’t miss class. If I don’t take this final, I won’t keep the A I have. Kelly was a perfectionist and getting less than a perfect grade was unacceptable. She had no time to try to figure this out because the bus was about to come. She couldn’t miss it. She left the house without finishing her breakfast because she couldn’t possibly eat now. The knots in her stomach were too much to bear. She knew her dependency on Jeanna was over the top, but she couldn’t help it. The bus came five minutes after she reached the bus stop. She climbed on, looking down at her feet, making no eye contact with anyone. The sick feeling in her stomach was endless. Getting to school, her legs were weak as she walked to class. She didn’t bother saying hi to anyone. She took her seat in class, shaking and rubbing her legs. When the professor passed out the final, she said, “Nothing can be on your desks. You have an hour to finish. When you finish, you can go. You can access your final grade on the school portal.” Taking the test from the girl in front of her, she set it down, tears welling up in her eyes. She held her breath and willed the tears not to come down. “I can’t think about this right now. I need to focus on this test,” she thought to herself. Taking a deep breath, she began her test. She had studied hard, and writing an essay was easy for her, so she finished within 45 minutes. She took out her phone from her backpack to check if Jeanna had texted her somehow. There were no messages. She went to the library to check her email, and nothing but a few spam messages were there. She felt herself slipping away far from her emotions until she became numb. She remained numb for the entire bus ride home and for most of the day. Her roommates had all come home that evening from work. She was very close to Mary, who was much older than Kelly, and Kelly told her what happened.

“Maybe she didn’t pay her cell phone bill, and they shut it off,” she said sympathetically.

“Yeah, but that doesn’t explain the email issue. It’s like she deleted her email account,” Kelly replied. Now, she couldn’t hold back the tears. Jeanna was hiding from her abusers, and Jeanna wasn’t even her real name. She had no address for her either. Jeanna was very protective of her identity and location, and she didn’t share that information with anyone. Not even her closest friends online like Kelly. There was nothing Kelly could do but wait and hope that Jeanna would contact her. Kelly cried to sleep that night and cried throughout the next day. Christmas Day came, and a black cloud hovered over her head as she sat on the couch, waiting for everyone to go in the room so they could exchange gifts. Kelly opened her gifts with a forced smile. One was a new backpack that she desperately needed for school. It had wheels to save her back from the heavy load she was carrying. Another gift was a Christian sweater that said, “Jesus Lives.” She smiled as best as she could but was secretly angry at God for taking her best friend away.

Kelly’s depression took over, and she blurted out, “I don’t even know if she is alive or dead. I only remember that last thing she said to me. Could that have been a goodbye? Could she have committed suicide or been found by her abusers?” she asked as tears fell down her cheek, “I have no way of knowing,” she said as everyone was silent. Nobody knew what to say.  

“I appreciate the gifts, but this is the worst Christmas of my life,” Kelly sobbed. “You will be okay. Maybe next Christmas will be better. The following year came, and school started again. She still hadn’t heard anything from Jeanna. She emailed one other friend, Carol Anne, who knew Jeanna. Carol Anne hadn’t heard anything from Jeanna either. “You would tell me the truth, right?” Kelly emailed back. Carol Anne’s email came quickly.

“Of course. I emailed her as well and got the same failed delivery message. I’m sorry. I know you were close to her. I was, too, but not as close as you were. Maybe she was found by her abusers. Maybe she was threatened to cut off contact with all her friends. I just don’t know. I hope we will hear from her again.”

Kelly didn’t respond. Carol Anne emailed Kelly every few days to check on how she was doing. Kelly was slipping further and further into depression, isolating herself from everyone. She could barely focus on school. She knew that her attachment to Jeanna was unusual. She remembered something she confessed to Jeanna weeks before she disappeared. “I wish you were not straight because I really like you, Jeanna,” she said with butterflies in her stomach. “If I were a lesbian, I would really like you, too,” Jeanna replied. They talked to each other on the phone every day for hours. She felt guilty for being so dependent on her. Kelly’s mental health continued to decline. All she wanted was some closure. To know what happened. Even if they couldn’t be friends anymore, Kelly at least wanted to know. She knew she needed help when she began to think about suicide. She went to the emergency room and had herself hospitalized. Even if she had to drop the semester, she knew she was a danger to herself, and that came priority. At the hospital, she attended talk therapy groups and art groups and got to go outside once a day for fresh air. She was prescribed Depakote, and within four days of being on that, the activities they had for her, she knew that she could face life again. She had been placed on 52/50, which is a two-week hold, but she had a right to a hearing if she felt she did not need to be hospitalized anymore. With the regained peace she had within her, she was determined to ask for a hearing. On the day of her hearing, her advocate, Shelly, said, “Don’t let what they say bother you. They are going to try to say you are not ready to go home. Remain in control, and with my evidence of how you have been doing during your stay, I am confident we will win,” she said.

“Okay, I will do my best,” Kelly said. Shelly was right. They not only tried to convince the judge that she was still unstable, but they lied about her participation in groups. Shelly confronted them with their lies, having records of her being in every group other than two in which she was asleep. Kelly’s blood was boiling at hearing the lies they told, but as Shelly warned, she had a calm appearance.

Kelly finally had the chance to speak. “I admit. I did become suicidal when I came to this hospital. I was grieving the loss of my best friend and became very depressed and felt hopeless. However, with the medication I was given and the therapy I received here, I am no longer suicidal. In fact, I am a college student, and if I get out of the hospital now, I will be able to go back to class and not have to drop the semester. School is very important to me, and I am ready to get back to life,” she said, looking at the judge straight into her eyes, pleading for her to see her side. The judge spoke, “In hearing both sides, I am releasing you from the hospital,” she said matter-of-factly. Shelly hugged Kelly as the hospital staff angrily closed their files. It wasn’t easy letting Jeanna go. She frequently thought about Jeanna and continued to grieve. Waves of tears occasionally came over her, but not enough to interrupt her concentration on school. She continued to grieve for the next year, off and on but was getting a bit stronger a little at a time. Her heart was healing, and her soul felt a little freer as time passed by. She never heard from Jeanna again, and that need for closure haunts her to this day, but she is choosing to let that unknown go and believes that there are some things in life that you won’t have the answers for. She will never forget Jeanna, for she held a special part of her heart. She has since learned that friends will come and go, so cherish the time that you have with them and be willing to let them go when you need to.