My Life Living with ADHD

In the Beginning

Living with ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) often feels like a roller coaster of racing thoughts, scattered focus, and an inability to concentrate. I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until adulthood. Not understanding myself frustrated me, leading to a sense of hopelessness. I was diagnosed with bipolar II at 17 and assumed my symptoms were simply a result of that disorder. Though ADHD symptoms are similar to manic episodes, I experienced ADHD daily and manic episodes less frequently than depression.  Deep down, I knew my symptoms extended beyond bipolar II. ADHD was not commonly addressed in the ‘80s or ‘90s. My father’s perspective on children was that they were either bad kids or good kids. My difficulties did not escalate until my teenage years, when my dad viewed me as the outcast of the family. He regarded my problems as just a phase I would eventually overcome. 

Understanding My ADHD

ADHD is not just the inability to focus; it is a neurological condition that affects many aspects of life, including attention, impulse control, and emotional regulation. It presents differently in everyone, which is why my journey is unique. For me, it manifested in not only distractibility, but also impulsivity, storytelling (which my family believed were deliberate lies), problems keeping friends because I was just “too much” for them. When I tried college in my early 20s, that impulsivity and distractibility affected my schooling, so much so that I ended up dropping out. During the majority of my adulthood, I did not receive medication as healthcare providers did not diagnose ADHD.   Also, they were against putting anyone on a stimulant. About 10 or so years ago, I had a doctor who recognized that I had ADHD, along with bipolar, and put me on a medication called Ritalin.

My symptoms significantly improved, and I was finally able to sit still, focus my attention for more extended periods, and in general, I was that roller coaster slowing down right before it came to a stop. I felt calm and at peace, a feeling I had never felt before, even on the medication that treated my bipolar symptoms. Until I was put on Ritalin, I still experienced chaos, hyperactivity, impulsiveness, emotional outbursts, and distractibility. The only problem was that the Ritalin didn’t work for long, which is a problem that I have always had. Medication would work great for a while, then become ineffective. So, then I was put on Adderall.

 That medication seemed to bring me the peace and calm I was starting to lose. I was able to focus again, became less impulsive, could sit still, and my overall attention improved tremendously. I’ve moved often, and several doctors diagnosed ADHD but didn’t prescribe medication.   My life became chaotic and unstable for years.  The medications I was prescribed helped with my depression, but did not alleviate my ADHD symptoms.    For years, a clinic has prescribed me Adderall and mood medication, significantly improving my life.  I went back to college, was getting perfect grades, and was invited to join an honor society. I could focus, sit, and study for long periods, and had less impulsiveness.

Medication doesn’t cure everything. Not even with bipolar or any other disorder. Medication helps, but it doesn’t completely take away your symptoms, at least for me. As I said before, medication would work great for a while, and then just suddenly stop.  There are days when I feel overwhelmed by the smallest tasks, and other days when I am so energized and motivated that I can take on projects with laser focus, only to lose interest midway. I have good days and bad days. On some days, productivity is high, while on other days, focus lasts only for a few hours.  I have quit college again, but not because I lost interest or was getting distracted and lost the ability to do well. I was still making perfect grades, but I realized my true dream in life was to be a writer.  I was floundering between majors because nothing really was what I wanted to do with my life.

I started writing two years ago and have been published in several literary magazines.   I just completed writing a seven-week devotional for the LGBTQIA community, and I am currently waiting for the copyright so that I can officially publish it. I feel like I am having more and more stable days than I have had in my entire life. I am focused, motivated, and determined. I do still have days that I lose that focus and motivation, but for the most part, it is tremendously improved.

Socialization

ADHD doesn’t just affect cognitive abilities; it affects relationships. Conversations are challenging when my topic bounces back and forth, and I often don’t hear what the other person is saying because my thoughts are on different things. I have become a pro at responding as if I heard them. “Yes, I can understand that,” “That makes sense,” or “Oh, okay” are just a couple of my rehearsed responses. Friendships require patience, and patience is not my strong point, as impulsiveness can lead to foolish decisions or unintentional interruptions. While ADHD has made friendships challenging, it has also helped me build deep, authentic connections with people who accept me for who I am. I tend to keep my personal matters private, but I keep a few close and meaningful relationships.  Unfortunately, much of my family doesn’t really know me on a deep level because my family is dysfunctional in many ways. I am learning to choose my family with people I can trust, be open with, and depend on.

My Coping Skills

Living with ADHD requires acceptance, but also actively seeking ways to manage my challenges. Therapy is essential to learning new coping skills to deal with what medication doesn’t fix. Over the years, I’ve learned to depend on routines and schedules, which I use my Alexa devices to set up. I also keep a daily to-do chart for everything I need to get done in a day, and those include the simplest tasks, such as making my bed, getting dressed, brushing my teeth, and taking my medication.

 I set timers to keep myself from getting overwhelmed and, at times, so over-focused that I neglect other important things. Exercise has become a necessity for my overall health and wellbeing in managing symptoms—it not only helps me burn off excess energy but also focuses my mind and is essential for my physical health. Mindfulness and meditation, though initially difficult, have taught me to slow down and be present. I am a visual person and have a virtual reality headset with meditation apps designed to reduce anxiety and improve focus. I am trying to eat healthy foods because I have noticed that unhealthy food tends to make me anxious and depressed. Despite some professionals’ disagreement, I drink energy drinks and coffee because they calm me down and help me sleep.  

The Gifts of ADHD

While ADHD presents its share of difficulties, it also comes with gifts. My creativity and imagination, fueled by my circulation of thoughts, have been the foundation of my dream of writing and storytelling. My family called my imaginative stories deliberate lies, but I used that creativity to write many short stories.  My thoughts tend to go to dark places, and I love good horror movies, so I channel those dark stories into dark short stories. My energy, though sometimes overwhelming, can bring passion and dedication to my dreams and relationships. Most importantly, my strength and hope are growing, shaped by years of learning to overcome challenges, both with my bipolar disorder and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

Looking Forward

Living with any kind of mental health issue or disability is not about seeking perfection; it’s about progress, growth, and healing. I have come to terms with the fact that my path may be different from others’, and that I may always have challenges to face. Both bipolar and ADHD are lifelong conditions that can be managed well, but never entirely disappear. Each day is different. On certain days, I effectively overcome my challenges; on other days, I continue to encounter difficulties.  Each day is a challenge and a learning experience for growth and resilience. My life with mental disorders is not an easy road, but it brings with it creativity, strength, hope, and self-acceptance.

Conclusion

ADHD is a part of who I am and blends into the fabric of my personality, my other challenges, and my success. While it may sometimes be frustrating or overwhelming, it has also shaped me into the person I am today. It’s been a long road, and it has sometimes taken me to very dark places, but I would not be who I am today if I didn’t go through those challenges. I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and have developed a fighting spirit.  I hope that by sharing my journey, I can encourage others to see ADHD and any other mental disorder not as a limitation, but as a different way of experiencing and engaging with the world. Together, we can bring hope, understanding, and acceptance to people who are often marginalized.