Before I was diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder, my experiences were a mystery. The words to describe it were like a blank page.  My diagnoses changed repeatedly over the years, making it even harder to understand myself. When I was 17, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which, many years later, was changed to bipolar disorder with psychotic features. When I was 19, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which devastated me, given that diagnosis is viewed in a negative light.  It was a life sentence of chaos. While I knew I had symptoms of those diagnoses, I knew they didn’t completely describe what I was experiencing.

Lost time was a constant in my life, meaning I would suddenly “wake up” and it would be sometime later, lasting anywhere from a few hours, a few days to several months, and sometimes years. I had no recollection of the time I had lost. I cannot tell of my life in a chronological way. Many years vanish without my knowing. I woke up in relationships I didn’t recall starting, in states I didn’t recall moving to. In hospitals with no knowledge of my admission.  Other symptoms I experience include flashbacks, nightmares, extreme anxiety, panic, and unhealthy eating habits.

There are more gaps in my life that I can count.  Some of my memories are like viewing city in the fog or worse, looking into a black hole.  Through therapy, I am gaining insight into those lost times. My current therapist is skilled in dissociative disorders, and I have since been introduced to several other personalities who hold the memories of times I can’t remember. They lived through those times, entered relationships I had no knowledge of and moved to the places I don’t remember moving to. My life has been a puzzle with missing pieces, but some of those pieces are being found.

I don’t remember when or what happened, but by the time I was 21, I got an approval letter for disability, which saved my life because I was unable to hold down a job. I had tried different jobs, but they never lasted for long. I would find myself in hospitals, resulting in losing my job. I have lost count of how many times I have been hospitalized, but I know it has been more than thirty.

Through therapy, I have begun to understand myself and my experiences. The diagnosis of bipolar is still a current diagnosis in addition to dissociative identity disorder and bulimia. I still experience extreme mood changes, and I know I have a problem with binging and purging. That has been one of my coping skills I have developed to deal with the instability in my life. I comfort myself with food and then feel guilty and ashamed, so I purge. It is an endless cycle, often having nothing to do with food, but control.

Throughout the years, more parts of me started to reveal themselves. My therapist suggested a communication journal for the others to introduce themselves and communicate what they needed me to know. At first, it was hard reading what they needed me to know. They wrote about painful experiences that I was unable to cope with, unknowingly creating others to cope with them for me.

Erin, a 14-year-old part of me, wrote of seven years in a domestic violence relationship with another woman named Deena. I have since gotten memories of that relationship, but there was a time when I knew nothing about it. Just recently, I learned of another part named Kitten that was also involved in that relationship. She handled the sexual experience in that relationship. Erin endured the physical assaults.

My therapist, Kathryn,  has been a lifesaver for me. She works with each part of me, which I call insiders. She slowly works through the experiences that each part lived through, whether it be years from my childhood or years of my adulthood. She doesn’t force any part of me to talk about things until they are ready and lets them decide when or if to share their experiences with me.

I prefer to communicate effectively with my insiders as part of a cohesive team, rather than work towards integration. I feel each insider has the right to exist as their own person. Having dissociative identity disorder doesn’t frighten me anymore. I see it as a blessing. My insiders have endured immense pain for me, and they have the right to heal, live, and enjoy life for once. The dissociative barriers between us have broken down with most of us. There are still ones that I know little about, but Kathryn says they will reveal themselves when they are ready.

Annie is a close friend I can confide in.  Not as much as I can with my therapist, Kathryn, but I still can be honest with her about my thoughts and feelings, and she doesn’t judge me. Living with DID is getting easier and easier. I am learning to give my insiders time to do things they enjoy, letting them enjoy life for the first time. The nightmares have significantly decreased, although I still have them sometimes.

As my insiders are learning to share their memories with me, I do have quite a few flashbacks, but I am learning to use grounding techniques like taking bubble baths, using scented lotion, lighting scented candles, holding safe objects, listening to relaxing music and using distractions like watching TV shows or movies. I know there is still work to be done. I am trying to learn to challenge my old beliefs with healthier ones, and each of my insiders is learning to change the way they see what happened to them and stop blaming themselves.

Living with dissociative identity disorder, bipolar disorder, anxiety, and eating disorder has presented many challenges. It has caused many dark years, including suicide attempts and ideation. I can honestly say that in the last several years, my life has finally stabilized. I have not been in a psychiatric hospital in six years, and I hope I never have to go back. I have a little hope now, and the hope that I don’t have, Kathryn is holding for me until I can keep it for myself.