Do you need a break? From what?

Lately, the honest answer is this: I need a break from god.

That probably sounds terrible to some people, because we’re taught god is supposed to be the most important thing in our lives. But I’ve been living in constant “god-think” for a long time now. I’ve been studying, researching, and reading book after book about faith, doubt, and what i even believe anymore. i read Do I Stay Christian? by Brian McLaren, and now i’m in Faith After Doubt by the same author. It’s been good for me, but it’s also been a lot.

His writing has helped me find language for a different kind of faith. He talks about a faith that’s built on love and equality, not fear and exclusion. Love for people who are different from you, people who believe differently from you, people of different races, different sexualities, even love for your enemies. That vision makes sense to me. it feels more like something Jesus would actually stand behind than what I was taught growing up.

His writing has helped me find language for a different kind of faith. He talks about a faith that’s built on love and equality, not fear and exclusion. Love for people who are different from you, people who believe differently from you, people of different races, different sexualities, even love for your enemies. that vision makes sense to me. It feels more like something Jesus would actually stand behind than what I was taught growing up.

I have come to believe that if the world really embraced that kind of love, things would change for the better. Instead, we’re heading deeper into hatred, division, and violence, and I honestly believe that path will destroy us. Hate is eating the world from the inside out.

As someone in the lgbtq community, trying to hold my identity in one hand and my inherited beliefs about god in the other has been exhausting. I’ve read, prayed, wrestled, cried, and gone in circles trying to make it all fit. mclaren’s work has helped me move toward a belief system that doesn’t erase who I am, and i’m grateful for that.

But even with that progress, i’m tired.

So when I say I need a break from god, what I really mean is: I need a break from constantly thinking about god, arguing about god in my own head, trying to reconcile every doctrine and every bible verse with who I am and what I value now. i need a break from theology books and internal debates and the feeling that I have to have my faith all figured out all the time.

I still believe in a god of love and equality. I still believe that love is the only thing that can save this world from the hate that’s destroying it. but right now, I need to set the whole conversation down for a while. not forever. Just long enough to breathe, be a human, live my life, and remember that I am more than my religious questions.

So yes, I do need a break.
I need a break from god-talk, from god-wrestling, from god-analyzing.
I need a little space to just be.

If you’ve ever needed a break from faith, god, or the beliefs you grew up with, i’d be interested to hear about it. What did you step back from, and what helped you breathe again?