Daily writing prompt

Describe one of your favorite moments.

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One of my most fond memories is when I was about ten or 11 years old sitting at the river in Tuolumne Meadows which is at the top of Yosemite Valley, in California. I was sitting by myself just thinking about life, God, and who he was to me. I was struggling a lot during that time in my life with conflicting feelings about who I am and making sense of the feelings. I knew I was different. I knew that relationships between girls and boys was confusing to me. I mean, where I was from at that age, being gay was unheard of. I lived in such a small town in Brentwood, California. I never seen anyone who was gay before, but I knew that I liked girls, not boys. I had boyfriends and girlfriends growing up, but when I felt like kissing a friend, it was always a girl. I really didn’t have a word for my feelings, because my family, being conservative Christian, never talked about homosexuality.

However, sitting by that river, with thoughts flowing through my mind like I was seeing the river flowing by, I was far away from the harsh world. I felt free and peaceful. I was choosing to let go, just for that moment, all conflict and confusion that I was dealing with every day of my life then. I was looking around me at the beautiful pine trees, and massive rocks and mountains that surrounded Tuolumne Meadows and knew there had to be some kind of God to create such beauty, and that it was a kind of God that was loving and kind.

As soon as we got back home from camping, everything changed. God became a God I feared once again. It was though I came back to reality, my reality, and thought that what I experience in Tuolumne Meadows was nothing more than a dream. This daily prompt sparked that beautiful memory, or dream. Now 35 years later, I am still battling with who I believe God is, and accepting myself for who I am. That’s why I am writing a memoir about this struggle. Writing this book is my healing journey back to that river, and back to the peace I felt, and the amazing and loving God I was seeing.

My life has been like a battlefield most of my life. I have tried to commit suicide nine times, beginning at the age of 17, but this prompt sparked a very special memory that I had forgotten all about. I need to hold on to that memory. In fact, I am going to include it in my memoir, because that moment by the river was the most freeing moment of my life, as brief as it was. I am thankful for this prompt because it brought me to a happy moment, that I had pushed deep inside myself, and replaced it with fear, insecurity, and self-hatred. Feelings that have plagued me most of my life.

Riven