The Magic Mirror

            She walked the school halls, her eyes looking down at the other kids’ feet. She was afraid to make eye contact because, when she did, the kids would laugh and call her names. “What are you looking at, weirdo?” they would sneer.  She would never answer but looked away quickly. This was daily life at school for 11-year-old Ashley.  She learned early on to shield herself from verbal attacks by numbing out all her feelings. She had always felt like an outsider who didn’t belong anywhere.

“What is wrong with me?” she thought. “Why am I so different?” However, deep down inside of her, she knew that answer. She was gay. She didn’t tell anyone, not even her family.  She lived emotionlessly. If she allowed herself to feel anything, she knew she would break. She had no support at home. She was completely invisible to her family. They didn’t even acknowledge her presence. Her dad was barely ever around. He worked long hours and would sit in front of the TV, oblivious to everyone else. Mom was always sick. She spent hours in her room every single day. Her family didn’t even eat dinner with each other, and they all ate at different times. They barely noticed when Ashley would walk in the door from school. She walked home from school and had to walk the way the buses went, so the other kids would often throw trash at her out the windows and shout insults at her. She never cried. Her feelings died a long time ago, but her life was miserable. Ashley didn’t have any friends. The other kids knew something was different about her. They might not have known what it was, but all they knew was she was a loser.  Her family were Christians, and they attended church every Sunday.  She didn’t even belong in the junior youth group. The kids didn’t even acknowledge her.  Ashley was alone in the world, and she knew it. All she had was her dolls. She knew she was probably too old to play with dolls, but they were her only comfort. The church talked about those people that would end up in hell. They mentioned the verse in Revelations. Revelations 21:8 that listed the sexually immoral, among others, would end up in hell. Homosexuality was included with the sexually immoral. In the King James version, the word for Sexually immoral is abdominal. In Leviticus 18:22, homosexuality is considered an abomination. She felt like she was destined for hell. Her family never knew she felt this way. They, too, knew that she didn’t seem to belong with other kids, and she got the feeling that they were ashamed of having a loser for a child. Ashley existed in her own world. She would often play at the creek after school by herself and play with imaginary friends. Her life was very sad, and nobody seemed to care. One Friday afternoon, when school let out, she decided not to go home right away. Her parents never noticed; if they did, Ashley would always say she went to the library to do homework. Fridays were minimum days, so the school let out at 12:30 PM. She wanted to walk to the movie theatre to see what was playing there. She lived in a very small town, so everything basically was within walking distance. The theatre was only two blocks from the school and cost three dollars to see a movie. She got a five-dollar allowance each week for doing chores. She saves it each week to see a movie. Getting to the theatre, she looked at what was showing, and nothing looked interesting. An antique store caught her eye next to the theatre she had not seen before. “Where did that come from?” she said to herself, “I thought I knew this town very well.” She shrugged it off and decided to go have a look. Only one man worked there, and only one customer was looking around. She saw vintage porcelain dolls, clocks, necklaces, earrings, and many more vintage items. A glow in the back corner of the room caught her attention, and she could see it was an old mirror, but it was sparkling. She walked over to it, noticing the store was now empty. Even the worker was not there. “Weird,” she whispered. Coming up to the mirror, she saw her reflection, only it was smiling. “I am not smiling; what is this?” she said curiously. Her reflection lifted her hand, and she motioned for her to follow her as if she could walk through the mirror. “I must be going crazy!” she whispered. She looked around the shop, checking again if anyone was in the shop. Not seeing anyone, she turned her attention back to the mirror. Ashley reached out her hand and sure enough, it went through. She quickly pulled her hand back in fear, but her reflection kept motioning for her to follow her. So, she took a deep breath, and put her hand through the mirror, and slowly walked through. She found herself inside a church. When she realized the mirror was gone, she looked around the small sanctuary and noticed there were no windows.  She looked for a door, but the door only led to different parts of the church. She stayed in the sanctuary for a little bit and looked at all the pews.  She sat down and said, “These pews are so uncomfortable, just like the churches we go to.”  Ashley looked to the front of the church.  Seeing the pulpit where a preacher would normally stand, uncomfortable feelings came over her.  She noticed there were several pictures on the wall. One picture was of Jesus. He had a serious look on his face, not a soft and comforting look. She was used to this image of him. The picture contained only his face neck and hands.  The arms and hands reached out as if trying to embrace you, only the look on his face didn’t make her feel like it would be a comforting embrace.  Ashley was used to this feeling.  She knew that being a Christian meant that you had to fear God. She remembered a conversation with her dad about that. That people need to fear God, and she took that literally.  She noticed some of the other pictures, just scriptures with different backgrounds. Most of them had a dark background. One of them had a background of a storm with a lightning bolt striking.  She read the scripture which was, “For the Lord your God is a jealous God among you, lest the anger of the Lord your God be aroused against you and destroy you from the face of the earth.”  Deuteronomy 6:15. Ashley got a knot in her stomach. The other pictures contained scriptures that were also about God’s wrath.  All she noticed were the words wrath and anger, and she didn’t read the rest of the verse.  She noticed it was getting hot in the sanctuary, so she got up and opened the door to other parts of the church. She saw the room to the kid’s room and the first thing she noticed was a picture of the flood where everyone was wiped off the face of the other besides Noah, his family, and all the animals.   She knew God only saved them because they were the only righteous ones on the earth.  “God must not be saving me from this miserable life because I am not righteous enough,” she thought to herself.  It was getting hotter and hotter in the church no matter where she went. “I wish this church had air conditioning,” she said.  Suddenly she noticed the walls were starting to close in on her.  “I am going crazy!”  she shouted, “I need to find a way out of here, and fast!”  The rooms were getting smaller and smaller. “God, if you are listening to me at all, please save me!”  she pleaded.  Running back to the sanctuary, she saw the mirror again.  Standing in front of it, her reflection motioned her to follow again. “Why did you bring me here?” she said angrily.  

“You will see, come, follow me,” she said motioning with her hand. She thought it would take her back to the antique shop. She didn’t want to go back to her miserable life, but she also wanted this nightmare to end, if that was what it was.

“Okay, anything to get out of here,” she said and stepped through the mirror. It wasn’t the antique shop.  This time her reflection took her to her favorite place. The river in Tuolumne Meadows.  She was confused about what was happening to her, but she remembered the peace she felt here and ran to the rock where she always sat.  Suddenly she saw a man who looked just like Jesus in the picture on the wall in the church, only he was smiling and seemed at peace.  She sat down on the rock.

“Am I dead?” she sighed.

“Not at all,” he said kindly.

“Then why am I here?”  she asked.

“Because I wanted to talk to you,” he said gently.

“Are you…are you Jesus?” she asked curiously.

“I am,” he reassured her.

“You don’t seem like Jesus; you seem…kind,” she said in a confused voice, “you don’t seem angry at all.”  Jesus chuckled kindly.
“That’s because I am not angry,” he said, “I was sent to your world to offer peace and love to my children, but many of my children, like you, haven’t learned that.

“I shared the parable about the prodigal son, who thought he didn’t deserve his father’s love anymore, and the father ran to him when he saw him coming back and embraced him.  I shared the story of the woman at the well who was ashamed to be talking to me because she thought she was a hopeless sinner, and like you, I talked about David’s struggles with rejection by his father (1 Samuel 16:1-13), and fear of King Saul, who tried to kill him (2 Samuel 11), and his affair with Bathsheba. David often expressed fear and anxiety in the Psalms (Psalm 56:3-4, psalm 57:1-2). He questioned my presence in times of trouble, much like you do, but I always saw David as a man after my own heart,” he said gently.

“But those are all sinners, I don’t think I can change who I am. I am gay, and the Bible says that is a sin and that I am going to hell,” she cried.

“I knew you before you were born, Ashley. I formed you in your mother’s womb,” he reassured, “I know everything about you.”  He also said, “And you were created in my image.” Ashley looked at her feet with sadness.

“People treat me differently,” she said softly, “I am made fun of, called names, tormented, and what is worse, my family doesn’t even care about me!”  She started to cry. Jesus put his arms around her.

“I was rejected, too. Hated and ridiculed,” he said gently, “by a world that I came to save.” He continued, “I love you, Ashley. You are seen and heard. I see the tears you don’t cry. I love you just because you are you.”

“How can I make my family love me, or the kids at school treat me better?” she asked.

“You can’t control other people. You can’t change your family, or the kids at school. You can only change yourself. You can have peace within yourself because you know the truth. Stay true to yourself and hold onto my truth no matter what everyone else says.” She was still looking at her feet when she said,” But,” and noticed that he was gone. She sat there for a while, then turned to see the mirror.  Her reflection was smiling. “I know why you are smiling,” she put her hand through the mirror, “You are at peace.”