I am not sure if I posted this story a while back on this blog, my other blog, or both. I revised the story based on what I am learning in a writing course that I am enrolled in, so I am posting the revision.

Tuolumne River

The rushing flow of the Tuolumne River was heavenly. The once-a-year camping trip in the beautiful August summer of Tuolumne Meadows brightened her spirit.  Laughter replaced the harshness at home. Her spirit came alive instead of being burdened by the clutches of rules.  Soft muscles put her at ease with every breath. Her family transformed with the smell of pine high above Yosemite National Park. Flashes of rigid voices at home swirled within Morgan’s mind but quickly turned to tranquility.

The coolness of the river and sweet scent in the air drew Morgan to a place of solace up on a massive rock edging the river. She listened to the peaceful flow.  The river held power. Rumors had it that people could hear the voice of God further down the river where Morgan sat. Away from the laughter of children playing at the rivers’ center, the quiet cool breeze was known for hearing God’s voice. She was told that God only spoke in moments of need. At 11 years of age, Morgan’s heart felt defeated and broken.

She was at the age of self-discovery, thinking about life and what it meant for her.  Still holding onto the innocence of childhood, other kids hurled insults and menacing laughter as she walked the halls at school. “Kids will be kids,” was always her dad’s answer when she mentioned it at home. She tightened her shoulders and walked away. When alone in her room, her screams were muffled into the pillow. Tears welled up as her muscles tensed. Silenced and being unheard was all she knew. Every school day was a nightmare that she had to keep quiet.

Reality changed in the meadows—honest and pleasant conversations flowed by the campfire beneath the darkness of night. Still, her heart was heavy that year. She was discovering for the first time that she was attracted to girls in a way beyond friendship. Not yet fully understanding, she still knew she was different. She glared at the river as if pleading for answers, feeling the urge to yell out but not wanting to draw attention to her. A small, still voice, unlike her own, called out to her within the recess of her mind.  “Is this the voice of God?” Her breath stopped, and she was frozen in place.

“There is nothing wrong with you, Morgan. You are who I created you to be,” the voice in her head said as she felt warmth deep within. Unlike the warmth the sun provided, it was as soft as a blanket wrapping around her heart.

“These are not my thoughts.”  Suddenly, she knew how God’s voice spoke through the river. It was not an audible voice, but she knew it was not her internal voice, either.  It was the internal voice of a gentle God, unlike the God of wrath that made her bones tremble. Unable to describe it, she felt peaceful, loving hands wrapped around her shoulders, and her silent sigh freed the air trapped in her chest.  Her glare became soft, and her spirit felt free. Despite the hardness of the rock beneath her, her body began to sink as though sitting on a soft cushion.

Her soul came to life. She heard the call of her mother and knew it was time to go. Morgan jumped off the rock and ran to her mother. “I am pleased to see you so happy, Morgan. The sun is setting, so we need to get back to camp.”

“Okay, I am ready.” Morgan walked with a confidence she had never felt before. No matter how much life returned to the familiar chaos when her family left Yosemite, her voice was strong, and the insults of her peers at school were words that bounced right off her like she was a soldier in battle with the armor of steel.  Nothing could break through the shield she held high in confidence. When she was 13 and finally came to terms with being a lesbian, she remembered God’s words. “You are who I created you to be.”

The messages of her church held no power over her. In a time when homosexuality was considered a sin and a perversion, she knew deep within her soul she was accepted and loved for who she was.