Sara had been on the phone with her best friend, Natalie, for hours. It was almost two in the morning, silence filled the house, and the quiet was depleting her energy. Her eyes were on fire. She hesitated to say she was going to try to sleep now because they were having such a deep and meaningful conversation. “Are you there, Sara?” Natalie asked concerned. Sara startled, bringing her back from our dreamlike state.

“Oh, yes. I am here. I hate to do this, but I am going to have to go to sleep. I don’t want to fall asleep on you,” Sara yawned.

“Okay, but I have enjoyed our conversation, and I want you to know that you are very dear to my heart and always will be,” she paused for a second, “I will talk to you tomorrow.”

Sara eyebrows curled as she paused in confusion. They had been best friends for three years now. Sara shrugged the confusion off. “Goodnight, Natalie and you are dear to my heart as well.”

“Thank you. Good night.” Sara heard the click and fell back onto her pillow. The silky and cool sensation of it soothed her head. She was asleep in seconds. Later that morning, she opened her eyes and glanced at the clock. It was ten in the morning. She had never slept that late. She knew all the studying last night, and then the conversation with Natalie had utterly worn her out. It was the last day of the semester, and Christmas was near, so she had been studying for her final. Despite her studying being interrupted by Natalie’s phone call, she was confident that she would do well on the test. English was consistently her strongest subject, and she regularly earned A’s on her essays, so she expected the final essay to go well.  Her friendship with Natelie may have been a bit obsessive. Every night there were hours of conversation. She got out of bed, opened the closet, and stared blankly at her clothes. Blinking hard and regaining her attention, she scrolled through the sweaters. She knew her new Christmas sweater would be great to wear on the last day of school; Christmas Day was six days away. She got out her underclothes and walked to the dresser to get her blue jeans. After getting dressed, she went to the kitchen. Sara didn’t cook, so oatmeal was her breakfast. As she took it out of the microwave, she grabbed her cell phone and texted Natalie to say good morning. Natalie was from Massachusetts, three hours ahead of Sara in California. She knew for sure that Natalie would be awake at 1:30 in the afternoon. She texted, “Hey, Natalie, What’s up? I am having breakfast and then going to walk to the bus stop.” Red letters appeared in her text that read, “Undeliverable.” She tried again, and it said the same thing. It felt like her heart stopped and thoughts were swirling like a tornado, so she dialed her phone number. She listened to the message saying, “Your number cannot be dialed,” and her heart shot up to her throat, and Sara held her breath. She called again just in case she misdialed it and heard the same response. Sara bolted from the kitchen table, leaving the oatmeal to get cold, and went to her room, getting on the computer. She couldn’t type out her email fast enough. It said, “Are you okay? Your phone number is not working. What is going on?” her heart racing as she hit send. Right when she was about to get up and finish her breakfast, an incoming email came through saying, “failed to deliver. Unknown address.” Sara felt like she was going to throw up. She was pacing her house quickly, not knowing what to do. “I need to get to the bus stop. I can’t miss class. If I don’t take this final, I won’t keep the A I have. Sara was a perfectionist and getting less than a perfect grade was unacceptable. She had no time to try to figure this out because the bus was about to come. She couldn’t miss it. She left the house without finishing her breakfast, running as fast as she could to the bus stop. Bending down with her hands on her knees, she tried to slow her breath. The knots in her stomach were too much to bear. She knew her dependency on Natalie was over the top, but she couldn’t help it. The bus came five minutes after she reached the bus stop. She climbed on, looking down at her feet, making no eye contact with anyone. The sick feeling in her stomach was endless. Getting to school, her legs were weak as she walked to class. She took her seat in class, shaking and rubbing her legs. When the professor passed out the final, she said, “Nothing can be on your desks. You have an hour to finish. When you finish, you can go. You can access your final grade on the school portal.” Taking the test from the girl in front of her, she set it down, tears welling up in her eyes. She held her breath and willed the tears away. “I can’t think about this right now. I need to focus on this test,” she thought to herself. Taking a deep breath, she read the prompt for the essay. “Is storytelling more important than facts when it comes to changing hearts and minds? Use what you have learned this semester to support your claim.” The professor had given the prompt ahead of time the week before so that the students could prepare for their argument. Sara knew already what she was going to write and completed the essay in 45 minutes. She took out her phone from her backpack to check if Natalie had texted her somehow. There were no messages. She went to the library to check her email, and nothing but a few spam messages were there. She felt herself slipping away far from her emotions. She remained numb for the entire bus ride home and for most of the day. Her roommates had all come home that evening from work. She was very close to Mary, who was much older than Sara, and Sara told her what happened.

“Maybe she didn’t pay her cell phone bill, and they shut it off,” she said sympathetically.

“Yeah, but that doesn’t explain the email issue. It’s like she deleted her email account,” Sara replied. Now, she couldn’t hold back the tears. Natalie was hiding from past abusers, so Natalie wasn’t even her real name. Sara had no address for her either. Natalie was very protective of her identity and location, and she didn’t share that information with anyone. Not even her closest friends online like Sara. There was nothing Sara could do but wait and hope that Natalie would contact her. Sara cried herself to sleep that night and cried throughout the next day. Christmas Day came, and a black cloud hovered over her head as she sat on the couch, waiting for everyone to come into the room so they could exchange gifts. Sara opened her gifts with a forced smile. One was a new backpack that she desperately needed for school. It had wheels to save her back from the heavy load she was carrying. Another gift was a Christian sweater that said, “Jesus Lives.” She smiled as best as she could but was secretly angry at God for taking her best friend away.

Sara’s depression took over, and she blurted out, “I don’t even know if she is alive or dead. I only remember that last thing she said to me. Could that have been a goodbye? Could she have committed suicide or been found by her abusers?” she asked as tears fell down her cheek, “I have no way of knowing,” she said as everyone was silent. Nobody knew what to say.  “I appreciate the gifts, but this is the worst Christmas of my life,” Sara sobbed.

“You will be okay. I am sure you will hear from Natalie and find out what happened,” Mary said. The following year came, and school started again. She still hadn’t heard anything from Natalie. She emailed one other friend, Annie, who knew Natalie. Annie hadn’t heard anything from Natalie either. “You would tell me the truth, right?” Sara emailed back. Annie’s email came quickly.

“Of course. I emailed her as well and got the same failed delivery message. I’m sorry. I know you were close to her. I was, too, but not as close as you were. Maybe she was found by her abusers. Maybe she was threatened to cut off contact with all her friends. I just don’t know. I hope we will hear from her again.”

Sara didn’t respond. Annie emailed Sara every few days to check on how she was doing. Sara was slipping further into depression, isolating herself from everyone. She could barely focus on school. She knew that her attachment to Natalie was unusual. She remembered something she confessed to Natalie weeks before she disappeared. “I wish you were not straight because I really like you, Natalie,” she said with butterflies in her stomach. “If I were a lesbian, I would really like you, too,” Natalie replied. She felt guilty for being so dependent on her. Sara’s mental health continued to decline. All she wanted was some closure. To know what happened. Even if they couldn’t be friends anymore, Sara at least wanted to know. She knew she needed help when she began to think about suicide. She went to the emergency room and had herself hospitalized. Even if she had to drop the semester, she knew she was a danger to herself, and that came priority. At the hospital, she attended talk therapy groups and art groups and got to go outside once a day for fresh air. She was prescribed Depakote, and within four days of being on that, the activities they had for her, she knew that she could face life again. She was placed on a 52/50 two-week hold, and had the right to a hearing if she believed continued hospitalization was unnecessary.  With the regained peace she had within her, she was determined to ask for a hearing. On the day of her hearing, her advocate, Shelly, said, “Don’t let what they say bother you. They are going to try to say you are not ready to go home. Remain in control, and with my evidence of how you have been doing during your stay, I am confident we will win,” she said.

“Okay, I will do my best,” Sara said. Shelly was right. They not only tried to convince the judge that she was still unstable, but they lied about her participation in groups. Shelly confronted them with their lies, having records of her being in every group other than two in which she was asleep. Sara’s blood was boiling at hearing the lies they told, but as Shelly warned, she remained in control.

Sara finally had the chance to speak. “I admit. Upon admission to this hospital, I experienced suicidal ideation.  I was grieving the loss of my best friend and felt like I couldn’t go on without her. However, with the medication I was given and the therapy I received here, I am no longer suicidal. In fact, I am a college student, and if I get out of the hospital now, I will be able to go back to class and not have to drop the semester. School is very important to me, and I am ready to get back to life,” she said, looking at the judge straight into her eyes, pleading for her to see her side. The judge spoke, “In hearing both sides, I have decided to approve your discharge from the hospital,” she said matter-of-factly. Shelly hugged Sara as the hospital staff angrily closed their files. It wasn’t easy letting Natalie go. She knew the reason why this loss impacted her so much. To Sara, Natalie was more than I friend. She was in love with her, even though she knew the Natalie was straight. Sara frequently thought about Natalie and waves of tears occasionally came over her, but not enough to interrupt her concentration on school. She knew she would never have closure and know what happened, but she had to accept that.  She was determined to put the memory of Natalie in the past and move on. She will never forget Natalie, for she held a special part of her heart. She has since learned that friends will come and go, so cherish the time that you have with them and be willing to let them go when you need to.