What’s something you’ve done that your past self would be proud of?

If I look back to my younger self, I see so much pain, instability, impulsivity, and a sense of worthlessness. I was in and out of mental hospitals, sometimes several times in a year. 

My life was chaotic and destructive, and I honestly didn’t think I would ever have a calm, peaceful, and stable life. At times, I didn’t think I could actually live through it and come out on the other side.

But I have not been in a mental hospital in 8-9 years, which based on my history, is a miracle in itself. I never felt like I could even go one year without being admitted for suicidal ideation and attempts.

But I finally found myself tired of the chaos. I finally got sick of being sick for so long. I went back to college, making straight A’s and being accepted to an honors society, then when I realized my real dream in life was to be a writer, I left college to pursue my dream.

I am now an emerging author with the hope to become an established writer. I may not be making money from my writing, but I am happy and my life has meaning when it didn’t for most of my life.

I take my medication everyday, which is something that I didn’t do when I was younger, and it’s made a huge difference in how I function. It’s something simple, but in my instability, I was also not medication compliant.

I also didn’t use the coping skills that I learned over the years. It’s like I felt like nothing was ever going to change and my life would forever be hopeless, so why even try?

When I started to actually apply those coping skills and take my medication regularly, I realized that I do have hope. That my dysfunctional life didn’t have to have the last say. 

Just because I have a mental illness, and need medication to live a stable life, doesn’t define who I am. The medication treats a medical condition just like diabetes or other illnesses so that I can live my life to the fullest and be who I was meant to be.

So, my younger self, the one who had no hope, would be proud of the life I have made for myself. Some people I have talked to that struggle with mental illness say, “I will live with this forever. It will never get better.”

I have to respectfully disagree with them. I tell people who say that, “It takes hard work, but you can get better. You have to want it though.” Some people are comfortable in their own pain. It’s all they have known and change feels scary, even if it’s a change for the better.

What I would tell someone who is going through this, is to never say never. That I am living proof that things can get better. Will I always have a mental illness? Yes. Will I still have bad days? Of course. But does that have to define me? Not at all. I can have fewer bad days and more good days if I don’t lose sight of my goal: working hard on myself and taking care of myself and not giving up on life.